"Oh yeah. Box Seats did Nyan Cat." So says Box Seats member Ben Lepley, who has been making quite the series of claims lately regarding the ownership of video content on the internet.
"Yeah, and those videos of the babies - those are ours too." When pressed for specifics, Lepley replied, "All of them. All of the baby videos. Those are ours. The videos — not the babies."
At the completion of a 72 hour interview with Lepley, in which he credited every video in existence to Box Seats, it was determined that Box Seats had garnered a total of 10.3 trillion views, easily making them the most successful video producers in the history of the medium.
Lepley was careful to give credit where credit was due. When shown the video of a trailer for this summer’s blockbuster hit Men In Black 3, he said, “Oh, of course we didn’t make MIB3. That was Columbia Pictures. But that video you just showed me on your phone? The one of the MIB3 trailer? We made that video.”
After being shown a pirated video of the film Men in Black 3, Lepley replied, “Oh, we made that. The one you saw in theaters? That was made by Columbia Pictures. But we filmed the one that was the video you just showed me one your phone.”
When asked how that was possible, Lepley only offered, “Storyboards.” Then stared at the carpet beneath his feet, his jaw slightly slack. “I want a Sprite,” he then whispered.
Needless to say, congratulations are in order for Box Seats. Their next million videos will be released sometime this afternoon.
Matt Refrains From Playing Diablo III; Is Canonized by Catholic Church
Selling 6.3 million copies in its first week, Blizzard’s newest game Diablo 3 found its way into households around the world. One gamer, however, did not purchase the hack and slash, and the Catholic Church has found that feat worthy of sainthood.
Matt Signs BOX SEATS Likenesses and Names Over to Japanese Dating Sim
Box Seats was shocked today to hear not only that they were the stars of a Japanese Dating Simulation Game, but also that the game is selling like hot-cakes. Surprise struck again when they attempted to get money from the creators of Kissu x Kissu Box Seats!!! when they were shown a signed release from troupe member Matt Buchholtz.
According to the game developer, Buchholtz signed away the rights during an autograph session at Pacific Media Expo, during the hustle and bustle. “All I had to do was tell him I wanted the autograph on the line.” said game producer, Ichigo Uzimaki.
The game has been described as a “masterpiece of the genre” placing the protagonist in a new job at Box Seat’s production studios. By choosing different dialog options, fun romantic activities open up, including trips to the arcade, eating thai food, going to the mall, and more.
"In one of the dating scenarios with ‘Benimaru,’ he actually said something I said on a date last night," said Lepley. “It kind of freaked me out.” Game developers swear that the responses are based off of a revolutionary dialog programming algorithm, and not from listening devices planted in the boys’ apartments.
Kissu x Kissu Box Seats!!! is Rated M for tentacle rape.
Like much of the smartphone crowd, Matt picked up draw something a week ago. He quickly found his friends through facebook, and quickly began his first rounds. An hour later, Matt checked his phone to find all of his games pending.
In what would later be pinpointed as the event horizon in Matt’s Draw Something breakdown, Matt started twenty random games. Things were simple enough- Funnel, Lady Gaga, Sweden… It all seemed so perfect. After his lunch, Matt went back to work.
Matt’s phone sent a push notification, letting him know his turn had arrived for a game.
More games were coming in. It was fantastic. But how could he keep them playing? Soon, the perfect storm of average artistic talent and an undying urge to show off coerced Matt into making “intricate” drawings for all that played him.
Lion King, RZA, Roadkill. Three star challenges were all he would do.
bleep bleep bleep bleep
They were pouring in now. He had done it! But now he was behind. Forty-six games was a lot to keep up with when drawing like a kindergartner who had been dropped as a baby, let alone the “Van Gough-ish” “masterpieces” that Matt had set his standard to. Rhianna, Backflip, Tugboat, Sweden?
His friends were getting better at the game, now, spending time on their art with their new color packs. Matt could often guess the word just by seeing the jumbled letters, but he felt obliged to watch the drawing through to completion to show that he appreciated their efforts. But there were too many games, and too many repeats.
The sound of Matt’s mind breaking was silent, but in his head demons cried from the abyss with the faces of dead painters. He had to catch up. His art became minimalist. Floss was a blue line. A church became a red box. No supplementary
images were provided. The answers were plain as day, the letters were right there! He needed more time. He began guessing words before paint touched paper. There was no mercy. No understanding.
This was Draw Something.
Matt is currently residing at The Betty Ford Center. Flowers and Gifts are appreciated. He has had all smart-phone access restricted.
Despite winning multiple “pretty" contests, BOXSEATS.tv member, the luxuriousness of Ben Lepley’s dark locks was questioned today on fashion/style site, youtube.com. The enigmatic style-trend consultant, xXxMitCosXxX posted the controversial post, “L’s hair suck here. :/”
Sources close to Lepley have let us know that while he is saddened by the post, he respects the input. “He was wearing a hat, and crying into a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red”, said vegan, David Neale. “But he was watching Cowboy Bebop, so I think that he’s looking towards the future.” Neale, of course referring to the troupe’s plan to make a parody trailer for a live-action Bebop movie this summer. With Lepley so hair-conscious, though, we’ll have to wonder if Lepley will choose to appear onscreen.
xXxMitCosXxX has yet to add further comment on the costuming/makeup of Death-A-Sketch, but everyone at BOXSEATS.tv is anxious to hear. “xXx has liked a lot of videos about hair and design, we just hope that we haven’t lost them completely at this point.”
In a show of true sacrifice, David has decided to only watch Naruto filler for lent, giving up the main anime plotline. While David may not be Catholic, he plans to dedicate his 40 days and 40 nights of filler to those less fortunate. Namely, those suffering from Bleach filler.
For those BOXSEATS fans not familiar with the term “filler,” it refers to episodes of a series that do not have to do with the overall plot. Over recent years, Naruto has struggled to escape the parasitic grip of filler as producers push the series at such a rate that original manga material cannot keep up.
David plans on starting his fast by going back through all recap episodes, then moving on to his personal favorite “Ninja Ostrich” episode (Shippudden 181). Whether he plans on watching Gai Sensei’s scavenger hunt is still unknown, but with 40 days, one can only assume he’ll make it there eventually.
On Easter Eve, if still sane, David plans on watching the notoriously “crappy” Konoha Sports Festival Special as a way of purging his system of filler. He is truly an inspiration to us all.
Last week after renting the summer blockbuster “Thor” from a local Redbox, Ben informed Matt that he would return the DVD the next day so as not to incur any additional charges.
However, it was nearly a week later when Matt found the DVD under a pile of VHS tapes and XBOX 360 games that Ben had obviously attempted to camouflage his mistake with. Matt returned the DVD at a speed that would surprise a frost giant, but it was too late. On Matt’s credit card statement, late charges popped up every twenty-four hours, each exponentially more expensive than the last. The charges obtained by the third day had reached six figures.
Matt attempted everything he could to set things right. He sold his 1990 Celica, opened a lemonade stand in front of the apartment, and even tried hosting a cheerleader carwash. Nothing was able to cover the Asgaard-sized debt that had been charged to his card.
David Neale tried his best to console Matt. “Hey, buddy… Have you read Jaeger Sketch?” he said in a late-night phone-call.
Eventually, it was decided that a federal bailout was the only option. After declaring bankruptcy via twitter last night, BOXSEATS.tv still has yet to hear whether they will receive government assistance.
Box Seats was thrilled to screen their Death Note parody, “Death-A-Sketch,” and host a Q&A at the Pacific Media Expo! Held at the prestigious LAX Hilton, their panel, “Anime & Comedy,” brought out Ben, Matt, and Michael Legum (who played Matsuda in “Death-A-Sketch”) for a fun afternoon with fellow anime fans.
That’s the polished version, guys. Let’s cut the bullshit. You want the dirt. You want the dark, gritty, inside scoop.
Sure. Things SEEMED fine. On the surface. But where was Box Seats’ third member David Neale? Neale CLAIMS he was stuck on the 5 with a flat tire. But isn’t it MORE LIKELY that he simply got high and overslept, due to his CRIPPLING MARIJUANA ADDICTION?
And why was Ben Lepley so distant and solemn at the panel? Where was his paper-thin front of a sharp-as-tacks professional? Lepley CLAIMS he was foggy due to lack of sleep. But isn’t it MORE LIKELY that he had bungled yet another relationship DUE TO THE FACT that he is a clingy, obnoxious man-child?
And what about Matt Buchholtz? He could barely get three words out without releasing a lung-crippling cough. Buchholtz CLAIMS he was “under the weather,” BUT CLAIMS ARE JUST THAT — CLAIMS. METHINKS Mr. Buchholtz had inhaled some of MR. NEALE’S MARIJUANA SMOKE and couldn’t get it out of his system. BUCHHOLTZ DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT SMOKE IS. NEALE LOVES THE GANJA.
A dark picture has been painted indeed. And let’s not forget Michael Legum’s generous references to pornography during the panel, AND Box Seats holding an impromptu autograph signing session in a ROOM THEY HADN’T EVEN RESERVED, *AND* a COMPLETE disregard for frugality as they SPENT OVER $60 ON A CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST AT THE HOTEL’S RESTAURANT.
As another “fun summer” comes to a close, Box Seats member Ben Lepley has once again become despondent and withdrawn, spending his days under his covers and listening to one long, unbroken loop of the 1989 hit ballad “Toy Soldiers.” At present moment, fellow Box Seats members Matt Buchholtz and David Neale cannot calculate a projected end date to this loop. “There is insufficient data,” said Buchholtz.
But insufficient data has not prevented Neale and Buchholtz from hypothesizing as to why Lepley is in his current state. “I’ve noticed an annual pattern,” Neale elaborated, “With the arrival of autumn, a season that brings with it the ghostly images of Halloween and the massive die-off of leaves, Ben seems to sink into a vacant-eyed realization that he too is mortal, and that his ‘number is coming up’ like the rest of us, so to speak.”
"There’s a new year around the corner," Buchholtz continued, "And that new year brings Ben, essentially, a year closer to his demise."
The pair went on the explain that Lepley has spent entire autumns under the covers before, listening continuous loops of Wang Chung’s “To Live and Die in L.A.,” Kate Rusby’s “Drowned Lovers,” and the traditional Irish piece “Paddy’s Lamentation.”
Recently, Lepley was coaxed into attending a Box Seats writing session. Still under his blanket, he pitched several sketch ideas, including one where a lonely shop-keep “ages to Martika’s ‘Toy Soldiers,’” one set in an alternate timeline during the Great Depression, where Martika’s “Toy Soldiers” has been sent back in time on a wax cylinder to be listened to by the poor, and one where Martika plays a “widow who sings ‘Toy Soldiers.’”
"These are hilarious sketches Ben has come up with," Buchholtz said, "And we’re excited to produce them all. Definitely a silver lining to the cloud of Ben’s crippling depression."
Aaron Chrenen's Audition Tape for Box Seats Inspires and Terrifies
Comedian Aaron Chrenen has thrown his hat into the ring to be Box Seats’ newest member. Matt and David, eager for any excuse to drop Ben, want the world to see Aaron’s raw talent — video taped and edited in the studio apartment where Aaron dreams / lives…
Am I a dream? aM i gonna write this for homwork? I hav to write for hoimwork and the teacher get tweo teachers.
LOK OUT BEHIND! FRANKENSTEIN!
Glad to save yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo from frankenstein. I gotta finnish this homowrk, Mrs. SNYDER was always HOTTTTTTTTTT Am i a bonerer? SOemtimes. Right now Im top of the classes/
Im Thristy, Mrs. Snyder. My boots make my feetssweat. I am writng this poemm for you:
I WRote it becas i Am in love on you Mrs. Snyder.
now the hoemwork
RObinson Ranch Elementary
He’s signalling “okay.”
MAGGIE (O.S.) Where’s Gabe?
The POV dips down — there’s somebody climbing below, in an orange rescue jacket.
FRANK (O.S.) Right where he’s supposed to be.
CLOSER ON THE CLIMBER
This is GABE WALKER (30s). In spite of the cold and the snow, he’s fearlessly, swiftly scaling the tower without safety lines, as if he’s done it a hundred times. That’s because he has done it a hundred times. This is what Gabe lives for.
ON THE LEDGE
Gabe, almost there, finds a fingertip-width handhold at arm’s length — grabbing it, he pulls himself up on the ledge with a move that’s just a little tougher than chinning yourself on a doorjamb. Winded, Gabe slumps down next to the couple, and tries to light a cigarette. The lighter only sparks.
HAL Excuse me — I know you’re my salvation, and all — do you think you could rescue us before your smoke break?
Hal pulls out a box of wooden matches and lights one Bogart style, one-handed with a thumbnail, cupping a hand to shield it against the wind. Gabe bends down for it — a familiar routine. We know in a glance they’ve been friends for years.
GABE Maybe you could tell me why I am rescuing you.
HAL Basically — I’ve fallen down, and I can’t get up…
GABE (into radio) Rescue One — have located helpless climber, please prepare idiot line for transport, over —
THE HELICOPTER dips down towards the ledge — no way can it land there. Frank lowers a rescue wire to GABE who precariously swings out from the ledge to grab it — the wire is just out of reach. Hal grabs the radio.
HAL Rescue One — please remind me to tell you about the time I hauled your hero here down Mt. Huntington on my back, over —
MAGGIE (O.S.) (through radio) Hal, if I hear that story one more time, I’m making you limp down the entire three thousand feet, over —
Ben, Matt, and David Really “Stick It” to March by Not Posting any Blog Entries
Following banner blog posting months of January and February 2011, the members of Box Seats decided to “put the filthy month of March in its place.”
Although Ben, Matt, and David all hate the month for very different reasons, they were united in their ability to not post any blogs during it. With the blog freeze firmly in place, March was thoroughly humiliated.
“These blog sanctions will be imposed annually on March during March,” David publicly stated at the Box Seats ‘Celebrate April’ County Fair. “Until March learns its lesson, I don’t see how any of us can be expected to lift a finger on the blog during Stupidary – also known as March.”
“This isn’t about us being lazy and trying to justify not working on the blog for an entire month after the fact,” added Ben. “This is about a very real month that has a very real problem. Stupidary – like David just said, that’s actually March – can find itself another calendar, where another comedy troupe is willing to blog willy nilly for its 31 insufferable days.”
"We’re happy to say that this is April’s first blog entry,” said Matt, “And I think it’s fitting that the entry is a denouncement of April’s slightly older, completely insuperior month-brother.”
When asked to comment, March maliciously replied, “Did anyone happen to notice that they just farted this entry out on April 29th?”
Ben Spends Remainder of Box Seats' Production Budget on Broken Neo Geo Pocket Color
Box Seats’ online comedy endeavors were brought to a halt today as Matt Buchholtz and David Neale discovered a shocking balance of $0.00 in the company checking account.
With the help of U.S. Bank, they discovered that a check had been issued one day prior for the remainder of the account to FuncoLand in West Des Moines, IA. The check appeared to be signed by fellow Box Seats member Ben Lepley. Scrawled on the memo line were the words: “NEO GEO POCKET COLA!” It was immediately assumed that the word “COLA” was an attempt to modernize the spelling of the word “color,” and not a reference to any kind of soft drink.
"Ben’s love for classic, semi-rare handheld consoles has done us in," said Buchholtz. "Am I disappointed? A little. Surprised? No. Anxious to see the Neo Geo Pocket Color in action? Kind of, actually, yes."
"Neo Geo Pocket Color has some amazing titles," said Neale. "Crush Roller, Baseball Stars, Neo Turf Masters, SNK vs. Capcom: Card Fighter’s Smash…”
“SNK vs. Capcom: Match of the Millennium,” added Buchholtz.
"Yeah, SNK vs. Capcom: Match of the Millennium,” confirmed Neale. “Infinity Cure, Ganbare Neo Poke-Kun…”
"Oh, duh. King of Fighters,” added Buchholtz.
"Right. And Puyo Pop…”
When asked to stop listing games, Neale and Buchholtz did not, thus ending the interview.
Lepley had only this to say about the Neo Geo Pocket Color: “It doesn’t work… aaaand I lost the warranty/receipt thing. It’s probably in my car — no, it’s not. I checked my car. I would have found it if it was in there.”
Asked about the future of Box Seats, Lepley replied, “Dark Arms: Beast Busters, Metal Slug: 2nd Mission, Melon Chan’s Growth Diary…”
An Open Letter to the Man Who Thinks I Killed His Father
I believe you know what I mean when I say that we’ve both had a busy couple of weeks. Certain parties (you) have been setting up several ambushes for other certain parties (myself and whoever I’m with) in an attempt to fight me face to face and ultimately avenge your father’s murder.
Consider this a cease and desist notice.
At first, your appearances weren’t an issue. In fact, I found myself intrigued when I made eye contact with the same man in a feathered cap three times in the same weekend. I assumed you were going to the same New Year’s party. But the next morning was when I knew this was going to be an issue. Maybe it was what you said. But I don’t speak Italian. No, it must have been where it was said. About an inch away from my face; as I was waking up. My hasty exit didn’t allow us a proper introduction but you seemed pretty certain who I was the very next time I saw you. “David! Per mio padre!” as you chased me around the Shakey’s Pizza Lunch Buffet, throwing pizza pans, singing Peri and Caccini, swinging on ceiling fans and ultimately stealing the heart of the girl I was with. She was my ride.
I don’t know how you keep finding pig sty’s to kick me into, face-first. But it stops now or face legal consequences.
I have never murdered anyone, nor have I ever tried to overthrow a dukedom. I did NOT stab your father in the brain, and I have NOT nor will I EVER lock someone’s son in a sarcophagus for ten years. I don’t know who did it to you but I’m sure you sustained some sort of mental trauma from lying down for so long. Maybe you should rest, put down your foil, maybe stop slicing your initials into my clothes. I get my stuff at Kohl’s. They have great deals but it can still get very pricey.
Sorry your dad’s dead. I’m sure that’s a perfectly good reason for someone to lash out. But let’s look at the logistics. I am a 23 year old, one hundred and sixty pound, product of the facebook generation. You wear pressed velvet overcoats and wax your mustache. I feel like we don’t run in the same circles.
Sure, You May Have a Family and a Law Firm, But I Have this Website
Must be pretty nice having a “fulfilling life” and all. But let me ask you this: Where do you post your comedy videos?
What’s that? You don’t have any comedy videos? You’re too busy making more than 19,000 dollars a year? Well, that… is a compelling argument.
And your children are going to take care of you when you’re old? Well, I made a video with two friends where one keeps slipping on a slippery floor. It’s a real hoot. You may have seen it. A couple of people posted comments on it — *SOB.*
HAYES VS NEALE: The World Heavyweight Title At Stake
David Neale- Over the past three months, this young boxer has made a name for himself. His rise through the ranks of the ring nothing short of meteoric. Undefeated, and ultimately untouched, David “Four-Eyes” Neale has shown that he can go the distance, humbling opponents with his quick moves and mischievous grin.
David Haye- Current WBA World Heavyweight Champion, David “The Hayemaker” Haye stands tall in the list of boxing greats. 25 wins - 23 by knockout, looks to finally add a loss to Neale’s untarnished record. But Hayes has said before that he plans to retire before he hits 31. Will this fight be the signature on his 401k?
Insults and jabs from both camps have been flying all week, but the biggest shocker yet, was when
Neale announced that he would wear contacts for this fight to prove that he’s not just a flash in the pan. This came in response to Haye’s comment at the press conference on Monday where he stated, “…you wouldn’t have so many wins, if you weren’t hiding behind those lenses!" Some would consider this a low-blow, but the recent arguments that all of Neale’s wins so far have come via decision (Neale has no wins by knockout or TKO), has got Neale on the ropes.
Jerome “Doc” Louis, Neale’s manager informed the press that Neale will be wearing soft-lenses, weighted for astygmatism, in Saturday’s match against Hayes instead of gas permeable lenses. “We expect he’s gonna get hit a lot now that he’s not wearing glasses," said Louis. "Join the Nintendo Fun Club Today.”
Many are in agreement with Louis. Gambling website Bodog.com has witnessed a complete reversal in bets since Monday’s announcement. “Not a single bet has been cast for Neale since [the announcement]," said a rep from the site. In fact, new betting options have had to be created for the fight for many sites to even draw interest. New wagers include numbers of punches thrown before Neale is knocked out, whether Neale will have to go to the hospital, and the ratio of bodily fluids (blood/sweat/urine) that Neale will excrete during the match.
But will there be a upset on Saturday? Could Neale pull this off? Word on the street is skeptical, “The only reason he got so far was because no one would hit a guy with glasses. He’s [censored] now that he’s wearing contacts." Will Neale be [censored]? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
David Neale Concerned About Lack of Blogs About Him.
"Seriously, what the hell?" David Neale exclaimed, sitting at his computer tightly wrapped in his Champion brand boxer/briefs. "I’ve got funny things too. Like, you could do a story about me finding a date with Carmen Electra. I’m sure there’s something there."
Mr. Neale has been a part of the Box Seats roster for 2 years and as the website has been launched, David has grown increasingly concerned with his lack of appearance in blogs and sketches.
"I’ve been in one sketch by them, and I was in it for one second. (A grieved sigh) They dressed me like some sort of circus elf and I shot Ben. I, personally, didn’t get it." David has been overlooked and written off like this several times by the Box Seats members. In most recent reports, David was once locked in Matt’s car for 18 hours. Only finding escape when a couple of animal rights activists thought he was a greyhound. They too were disappointed in Mr. Neale. "The strangest thing was that Matt had been driving the car a bunch that whole 18 hours. I kept asking him to let me out. He wouldn’t give me water, but plenty of hot milk and brandy…"
David now is working on becoming a staple of the Box Seats blogs by writing the one you are reading right now and other upcoming ideas. “I have a bunch of great ideas. One where I find out I’m the most attractive man alive and women can’t stop having sex with me. There’s another where I wander into a Red Lobster, get a bunch of free lobster and then it makes it so women can’t stop having sex with me. Oh! And I’m working on one where I get kidnapped by all of the girls from Super Street Fighter IV and we all go into a bouncehouse where… “
(Editor’s note: The reporter abruptly ended the interview at this point)
Matt Buchholtz Wins “Best Fake Announcement Blog Entry” Award
Box Seats member Matt Buchholtz was awarded the “Best Fake Announcement Blog Entry Award” for his fake announcement blog entry “Recent Poll Lists Ben Lepley as “Prettiest” BOXSEATS.tv Member,” posted on BOXSEATS.tv one day ago.
Fellow Box Seats member Ben Lepley was considered a serious contender with his fake announcement blog entries, “Matt Buchholtz Chosen as Lead Villain in ‘Dark Knight Rises’,” posted three days ago, and “Matt Buchholtz Wins “Best Fake Announcement Blog Entry” Award,” posted right now.
“The fake announcements were very competitive this year,” said Dr. Faux Fakington, this year’s contest judge. “But Matt had the edge with his Photoshop skills, use of hyperlinks, and ability to lie.” Lepley took his loss in stride, saying, “I thought I had the edge with my ‘Dark Knight Rising’ casting entry, but that’s a real movie. So maybe that hurt me in the long run?” Fakington disagreed with this assessment, “Lepley just needs to step back, take a breath, and focus on his entries for 2012.”
Lepley and Buchholtz are already reportedly hard at work on next year’s entries, rumored to include Buchholtz giving the State of the Union address and Lepley becoming the primary shareholder of IKEA. Box Seats member David Neale is also said to have a blog entry in the works — one that will “change everything.”
Lepley, who was awarded with a glittering tiara (valued at over 98 cents [Kantor’s]) was speechless upon receiving the title at Kodak Theatre last night. He simply offered a wave to the audience gathered through muffled sobs of excitement, and then shyly ran offstage.
"I though I had it for sure," said third runner-up, Matt Buchholtz, “But I guess he was just faster and stronger.”
Lepley was a strong competitor throughout the night, winning several portions of the event including the Featheriest Hair and the coveted Most Vampiric. “Don’t you ever cut that hair,” shouted judge Cooper Hopkins. Lepley’s only hiccups on his rise to fame seemed not to be his fault. ”I had instructed him to try playing Burger Time as his talent,” said Lepley’s coachAaron Chrenen. ”How was I supposed to know he couldn’t get past the second level?”
The night wrapped up with webmaster Justin Brannock winning runner-up and with David Nealerounding out the top three as second runner-up.
Matt Buchholtz Chosen as Lead Villain in 'Dark Knight Rises'
After months of speculation, Warner Brothers revealed today that the antagonist of Christopher Nolan’s highly anticipated Batman threequel is none other than Box Seats member Matt Buchholtz.
When pressed for clarification, the studio confirmed that Buchholtz has been cast as the film’s villain and is actually the film’s villain. This may be the most surprising news in both the histories of Hollywood and storytelling.
Buchholtz follows in the footsteps of Caped Crusader foes Ra’s Al Ghul, played by Liam Neeson (Academy Award nominee) and the Joker, played by the late Heath Ledger (Academy Award winner). Presently, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has no record of nominations or awards for Buchholtz on file.
When asked at a press conference which super-criminal from Batman’s extensive rogues’ gallery Buchholtz would portray, director Christoper Nolan reiterated Warner Brothers’ earlier statement: “He is playing Matt Buchholtz.”
The choice of Buchholtz as an actor and villain proved shocking to the Batman fan community, in part because of his background in internet comedy, but primarily because he is not a fictional comic book character. “It’s a great gig, for sure. But Matt is… Matt,” said Buchholtz’s fellow Box Seats member Ben Lepley. “He’s not really a ‘bad guy.’ I mean, he gets a little competitive sometimes. I guess that could work against Batman?”
"Is [Buchholtz] still doing Box Seats?" asked Box Seats member David Neale.
"We’re excited to see how the battle between Batman and Matt plays out," Nolan later elaborated at an emergency second press conference. "Also, we’re interested to see what Matt will bring to the role of himself." This rules out a "coincidence scenario" in which Buchholtz was just happening to play a character who shared the name Matt Buchholtz.
It is unclear if Buchholtz’s adolescence in Washington state, aptitude for graphic design, or fondness for video games and Thai food will be incorporated into the script in any capacity. Though details are scarce, everyone seems to agree that Buchholtz is at least better than the Riddler.
Oh, I’m sorry. This post was made by entirely by accident. Ben’s arm slipped and hit the keyboard, and it spelled all of this out, then posted it. Even that last sentence. And that last sentence. And so on.
Here’s a trajectory of the buttons hit by the arm slip and how they spelled out this blog entry’s first sentence:
This is still the accident. Even the above image. When Ben’s arm hit the keyboard, in addition to typing everything thus far, it also opened up Microsoft Paint. The keyboard diagram that spells out how the first sentence was made by accident was also made by accident. As well as this entire paragraph.
You might be wondering how so many characters that form coherent words and, in turn, sentences, as well as an elaborate MS Paint image that was successfully saved and uploaded no less, were generated by the slip of an arm. Well, I’d answer that, but I’m not Ben consciously typing this. I’m still just a randomly generated string of characters — the most bizarre, elaborate, letter-by-letter coincidence in the history of time.
And since I am just an accident, Ben is in no way obligated to think up a great endingpkajsdpasokdjaspdkapsodkaspodkasdpaoskdookdasd
Ben Forced to Eat His Words as Blog Drought Continues
After composing a scathing blog entry that grilled fellow Box Seats member David Neale for his lack of blog postings, Ben Lepley has completely failed to post a single blog entry in thirteen weeks.
Lepley, a notorious hypocrite, was forced to “take back his smack,” acknowledging that “it’s not so funny now,” and that his shit “does in fact stink.” Full on a generous helping of humble pie, Lepley — oh wait, this is a blog entry by Ben. Take that, David.
I’m only gonna say this one more time, guys. We are a comedy site — NOT a shell company designed to take in cash to be transferred over the international wire system before being repatriated and / or employed in illicit activities.
What do we look like? A hair salon? A nail salon? That nickel arcade your parents never wanted you to go to? I’m not sure how all these rumors got started, but this has gone too far. I think our phones have been tapped. And now, whenever I write a check at Lowe’s, it takes forever to go through their electronic check-reader thing. Enough is enough.
Now that that’s cleared up, please excuse me. We’ve just acquired a bumper car rink down by the wharf, and it’s not going to manage itself.
Why David Never Posts Blogs: A Modern, Sherlock Holmes-esque, Deduction-filled Thrillfest
Hi guys. As boxseats.tv comes together, you may have noticed that Matt and I have been blogging. You also may have noticed that Box Seats’s third group member, David Neale, has not been blogging.
If you’re looking for a blog by David to tell you why David hasn’t been blogging, you’re being ridiculous and not good at pattern recognition. That’s why I’m here — to give you the scoop on why David doesn’t blog.
You see, Matt and I have a combined IQ of 272. We’re both in CMENSA — that’s short for ComedyMENSA. A firm rule of comedy trios is that the combined IQ of all three members CANNOT exceed 275. This leaves our dear David with a cognitive capacity just below a fetus.
So you might be thinking: “Mystery solved. David doesn’t post blogs because he’s a dumb dumb.” Well, first of all, “dumb dumb” is an offensive term, and secondly, let us consider all of the data before making a conclusion. People like David post on the internet all the time. Here’s proof — a review of an “Aliens vs. Predator 2” fan trailer on youtube: “ok people im sik of having to aproove comments about how shit this movie was… we all know it suked hellif we could move on from my this movie sucked comments itd would be apreciated fukkuuuuuuu” (poster’s username: cum_mAZZter2012).
So why isn’t David posting blogs? Not because he’s not smart, as evidenced by that dumb dumb’s post above. No, David isn’t too dumb to post… rather, he’s too dumb to buy a computer that doesn’t have an Odyssey 28.8 modem. How did I arrive here? Let’s retrace the steps.
Recently, while at David’s abode, I found myself parched. In his kitchen I searched for a can of Mountain Dew Voltage, but this search was cut short as my cell phone buzzed — someone important, no doubt! Alas, the battery was too low to answer. The caller would have been disconnected in the drop of a bowler hat! Quickly, I turned to David’s landline to return the call, but upon picking up the receiver, I heard the wily crackle of a modem — a shrill, tinny harpy’s cry particularly reminiscent of the Odyssey model.
"David!" I called to his computer nook. "Are you still using dial-up?"
"Duuuhr! Duurh! Ruurh! I’m a dinosaur!" he replied. A cunning denial. The game was afoot.
I turned to David’s mailbox, making quick use of the complex lockpick set always stored on my person for such occasions. Sifting through the mail at first seemed fruitless — it was an array of anime porn magazines, ignored jury duty notices, and all varieties of cardboard tubery — no doubt holding anime porn wall posters. Until… a phone bill!
The amount due was astronomical. Someone had been using David’s landline up to fourteen hours a day. And what’s the average weekly total of hours spent on the internet in America for someone of David Neale’s age, gender, and educational background, dear reader? 98 hours. The math was there. It all added up.
But was any of this conclusive? Hardly. Making quick use of an ether pouch always stored on my person for such occasions, I rendered David unconscious. Opening up his computer’s CPU confirmed my suspicions. An Odyssey 28.8 modem. Clearly, boxseats.tv would not load with such an ancient contraption.
The pieces of the puzzle were falling into place in rapid succession — a spiral of clues confirming clues — leaving me dizzy, proud, craving a Mountain Dew Voltage even more than before. How could David post on a website his computer could not access? How could he undergo the complex process of purchasing a new machine with his limited brainpower? Mystery solved.
As I type this blog, I’m reminded of my many blessings. Won’t you consider yours? And won’t you consider donating to the new fund I’ve created for David Neale? All monies collected will help give David a blog-worthy computer, as well as a special room from which he cannot escape at night to terrorize his neighborhood with his dumb dumb dinosaur noises.
New Sketches Written: Citizens of Mattropolis Celebrate.
MAYOR BUCHHOLTZ BRINGS ABOUT GREAT CHANGE! BEST MAYOR EVER! READ ALL ABOUT IT!
A statue is to be erected in the thriving city of Mattropolis after a successful writing session on Saturday between Mayor Buchholtz and friend of Mayor, Ben Lepley.
Sources inside the Mayor’s office describe the event going down as follows:
The writing session started out well, and the mood was light. Drinks were cold in the writers’ room as a warm summer breeze wafted in through the window. The Mayor and Lepley worked diligently on the comedy sketch for about five minutes until the Mayor received a text that SimCity existed on the iPhone. After that, the Mayor created our beautiful city. Apparently Lepley voiced concern about the lack of productivity on the new sketch initiative, but the Mayor was busy establishing a new commercial zone for our downtown. Lepley seemed to not understand the gravity of the issues facing the mayor, especially when pitching new blackouts as the Mayor was busy lowering the taxes to see industry grow in the East Village District.
However, by the end of the day, new sketches were finished and our city found itself in a budget surplus.