BOXSEATS

“Oh yeah. Box Seats did Nyan Cat.” So says Box Seats member Ben Lepley, who has been making quite the series of claims lately regarding the ownership of video content on the internet.

“Yeah, and those videos of the babies - those are ours too.” When pressed for specifics, Lepley replied, “All of them. All of the baby videos. Those are ours. The videos — not the babies.”

At the completion of a 72 hour interview with Lepley, in which he credited every video in existence to Box Seats, it was determined that Box Seats had garnered a total of 10.3 trillion views, easily making them the most successful video producers in the history of the medium.

Lepley was careful to give credit where credit was due. When shown the video of a trailer for this summer’s blockbuster hit Men In Black 3, he said, “Oh, of course we didn’t make MIB3. That was Columbia Pictures. But that video you just showed me on your phone? The one of the MIB3 trailer? We made that video.”

After being shown a pirated video of the film Men in Black 3, Lepley replied, “Oh, we made that. The one you saw in theaters? That was made by Columbia Pictures. But we filmed the one that was the video you just showed me one your phone.”

When asked how that was possible, Lepley only offered, “Storyboards.” Then stared at the carpet beneath his feet, his jaw slightly slack. “I want a Sprite,” he then whispered.

Needless to say, congratulations are in order for Box Seats. Their next million videos will be released sometime this afternoon.

Box Seats was shocked today to hear not only that they were the stars of a Japanese Dating Simulation Game, but also that the game is selling like hot-cakes. Surprise struck again when they attempted to get money from the creators of Kissu x Kissu Box Seats!!! when they were shown a signed release from troupe member Matt Buchholtz. 

According to the game developer, Buchholtz signed away the rights during an autograph session at Pacific Media Expo, during the hustle and bustle. “All I had to do was tell him I wanted the autograph on the line.” said game producer, Ichigo Uzimaki.

The game has been described as a “masterpiece of the genre” placing the protagonist in a new job at Box Seat’s production studios. By choosing different dialog options, fun romantic activities open up, including trips to the arcade, eating thai food, going to the mall, and more.

“In one of the dating scenarios with ‘Benimaru,’ he actually said something I said on a date last night,” said Lepley. “It kind of freaked me out.” Game developers swear that the responses are based off of a revolutionary dialog programming algorithm, and not from listening devices planted in the boys’ apartments. 

Kissu x Kissu Box Seats!!! is Rated M for tentacle rape.

Box Seats was thrilled to screen their Death Note parody, “Death-A-Sketch,” and host a Q&A at the Pacific Media Expo! Held at the prestigious LAX Hilton, their panel, “Anime & Comedy,” brought out Ben, Matt, and Michael Legum (who played Matsuda in “Death-A-Sketch”) for a fun afternoon with fellow anime fans.

That’s the polished version, guys. Let’s cut the bullshit. You want the dirt. You want the dark, gritty, inside scoop.

Well, I’m here to dish.

(NOTE: FOR THE REMAINDER OF THIS BLOG ENTRY, PLEASE READ WITH THE VOICE OF YOAV GONEN, INVESTIGATE REPORTER - PLEASE CLICK THIS LINK FOR REFERENCE)

Sure. Things SEEMED fine. On the surface. But where was Box Seats’ third member David Neale? Neale CLAIMS he was stuck on the 5 with a flat tire. But isn’t it MORE LIKELY that he simply got high and overslept, due to his CRIPPLING MARIJUANA ADDICTION?

And why was Ben Lepley so distant and solemn at the panel? Where was his paper-thin front of a sharp-as-tacks professional? Lepley CLAIMS he was foggy due to lack of sleep. But isn’t it MORE LIKELY that he had bungled yet another relationship DUE TO THE FACT that he is a clingy, obnoxious man-child?

And what about Matt Buchholtz? He could barely get three words out without releasing a lung-crippling cough. Buchholtz CLAIMS he was “under the weather,” BUT CLAIMS ARE JUST THAT — CLAIMS. METHINKS Mr. Buchholtz had inhaled some of MR. NEALE’S MARIJUANA SMOKE and couldn’t get it out of his system. BUCHHOLTZ DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT SMOKE IS. NEALE LOVES THE GANJA.

A dark picture has been painted indeed. And let’s not forget Michael Legum’s generous references to pornography during the panel, AND Box Seats holding an impromptu autograph signing session in a ROOM THEY HADN’T EVEN RESERVED, *AND* a COMPLETE disregard for frugality as they SPENT OVER $60 ON A CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST AT THE HOTEL’S RESTAURANT.

The attendees of PMX? They deserved better.

With the success of Ben Lepley’s Piranhas Have Taken Over the Waterpark Song, we have seen a few covers of the tune pop up on youtube! Hopefully with such amazing music backing him, Los Angeles Actor Steve Szlaga will finally get his dream role.

Shady Shadez - The Dance Version

and

Rottenham - Acoustic Cover

Following banner blog posting months of January and February 2011, the members of Box Seats decided to “put the filthy month of March in its place.”

Although Ben, Matt, and David all hate the month for very different reasons, they were united in their ability to not post any blogs during it.  With the blog freeze firmly in place, March was thoroughly humiliated.

“These blog sanctions will be imposed annually on March during March,” David publicly stated at the Box Seats ‘Celebrate April’ County Fair. “Until March learns its lesson, I don’t see how any of us can be expected to lift a finger on the blog during Stupidary – also known as March.”

“This isn’t about us being lazy and trying to justify not working on the blog for an entire month after the fact,” added Ben. “This is about a very real month that has a very real problem. Stupidary – like David just said, that’s actually March – can find itself another calendar, where another comedy troupe is willing to blog willy nilly for its 31 insufferable days.”

“We’re happy to say that this is April’s first blog entry,” said Matt, “And I think it’s fitting that the entry is a denouncement of April’s slightly older, completely insuperior month-brother.”

When asked to comment, March maliciously replied, “Did anyone happen to notice that they just farted this entry out on April 29th?”

Must be pretty nice having a “fulfilling life” and all. But let me ask you this: Where do you post your comedy videos?

What’s that? You don’t have any comedy videos? You’re too busy making more than 19,000 dollars a year? Well, that… is a compelling argument.

And your children are going to take care of you when you’re old? Well, I made a video with two friends where one keeps slipping on a slippery floor. It’s a real hoot. You may have seen it. A couple of people posted comments on it — *SOB.*

Box Seats member Matt Buchholtz was awarded the “Best Fake Announcement Blog Entry Award” for his fake announcement blog entry “Recent Poll Lists Ben Lepley as “Prettiest” BOXSEATS.tv Member,” posted on BOXSEATS.tv one day ago.

Fellow Box Seats member Ben Lepley was considered a serious contender with his fake announcement blog entries, “Matt Buchholtz Chosen as Lead Villain in ‘Dark Knight Rises’,” posted three days ago, and “Matt Buchholtz Wins “Best Fake Announcement Blog Entry” Award,” posted right now.

“The fake announcements were very competitive this year,” said Dr. Faux Fakington, this year’s contest judge. “But Matt had the edge with his Photoshop skills, use of hyperlinks, and ability to lie.” Lepley took his loss in stride, saying, “I thought I had the edge with my ‘Dark Knight Rising’ casting entry, but that’s a real movie. So maybe that hurt me in the long run?” Fakington disagreed with this assessment, “Lepley just needs to step back, take a breath, and focus on his entries for 2012.”

Lepley and Buchholtz are already reportedly hard at work on next year’s entries, rumored to include Buchholtz giving the State of the Union address and Lepley becoming the primary shareholder of IKEA. Box Seats member David Neale is also said to have a blog entry in the works — one that will “change everything.”

In one of Facebook’s most talked about “Questions” posts, Ben Lepley has been declared the Prettiest BOXSEATS.tv member.

Lepley, who was awarded with a glittering tiara (valued at over 98 cents [Kantor’s]) was speechless upon receiving the title at Kodak Theatre last night. He simply offered a wave to the audience gathered through muffled sobs of excitement, and then shyly ran offstage. 

“I though I had it for sure,” said third runner-up, Matt Buchholtz, “But I guess he was just faster and stronger.” 

Lepley was a strong competitor throughout the night, winning several portions of the event including the Featheriest Hair and the coveted Most Vampiric. “Don’t you ever cut that hair,” shouted judge Cooper Hopkins. Lepley’s only hiccups on his rise to fame seemed not to be his fault. ”I had instructed him to try playing Burger Time as his talent,” said Lepley’s coachAaron Chrenen. ”How was I supposed to know he couldn’t get past the second level?”

The night wrapped up with webmaster Justin Brannock winning runner-up and with David Nealerounding out the top three as second runner-up.

I’m only gonna say this one more time, guys. We are a comedy site — NOT a shell company designed to take in cash to be transferred over the international wire system before being repatriated and / or employed in illicit activities.

What do we look like?  A hair salon?  A nail salon?  That nickel arcade your parents never wanted you to go to?  I’m not sure how all these rumors got started, but this has gone too far.  I think our phones have been tapped.  And now, whenever I write a check at Lowe’s, it takes forever to go through their electronic check-reader thing.  Enough is enough.

Now that that’s cleared up, please excuse me.  We’ve just acquired a bumper car rink down by the wharf, and it’s not going to manage itself.